The following paragraphs are a series of thoughts I mostly wrote on separate occasions. Thus the lack of continuity. Sorry!

This really exciting thing has been happening where I am anywhere, in the midst of all kinds of people, and I get this amazing sense that God is right there. Right then. He is in the laughter and dancing and photos and hugs and I know it.

This is new for me, and it feels kind of like getting flowers. Unexpected and totally extraordinary feeling; you know you don’t exactly deserve it but you are so grateful for it.
And while in the midst of this new adventure, no matter how much I attempt to combat feelings of worthlessness with truth, I still carry this awful weight of inadequacy and fear. But I was recently released by something I read.

“The man is perfect in faith who can come to God in the utter death of his feelings and desires, without a glow or an aspiration, with the weight of low thoughts, failures, neglects, and wandering forgetfulness, and say to Him, “Thou art my refuge.”

I am often a defender of bizarre and unconventional ideas. For years I told people that reading the bible everyday was not really important, as long as your carried it in your heart. Ugh. Waking up and spending time reading the bible directly and hugely effects the way I treat people, feel about my day, approach problems, take rejection. When I begin my day with Gods words, life is better.

The beginning of new years always bring reflection, people claiming that this year was one of the best or worst of their lives, that this or that will change entirely. However, this season, more than any previous, I have felt detached from all things traditional. So I had not put much thought at all into how my year went. But a little late reflection revealed this to be a sincerely tough year. I think we all had a hard year. Lots of things to figure out, big and little relationships collapsing, the reality of becoming adults. But through all the dirt, flowers come.

And I can tell you now, through all of this fucking shit, that I feel completely exhilarated, absolutely free. Old hurts are gone. I truly am done, not with people, but with bad logic and foolish emotions. I see it for what it is, at last. After feeling for so long like I was lacking something, it is clear I’m not missing much. And life is really good.

Standing on the roof at midnight, the sky full of amazing illegal sparks, with Leslie’s arms wrapped around me, I realized how unencumbered I feel by anything. Not in a reckless sense, but rather a deep understanding that I am whole.

Boys don’t judge me for doing this, because I know this is how insane checklists start. But I have been thinking about what would be really important in a mate. Maybe I am being an idiot even thinking of this with my talk of forever singleness (which I am SERIOUS! about), but so many people have been pushing romantic ideas on me that I feel I need a solid scope.

Okay. If I ever get married: My husband will have to make me laugh. He will play some kind of instrument, and he will sing no matter how bad he is. Bandit Queen will be a semi-accurate description of our relationship. He will be really brainy, and love to learn. He will be good with children. He will think what I want to do is cool and brave maybe, and he will be supportive of it. He will want to travel with me and love people. He will be dirty, not really dirty, but kind of dirty. He will give premium head kisses. He will be confident and affectionate and always kind. He will be a leader. He will be okay with my quirkiness but always push me to be better. Mostly, he will know what matters and keep it just that, and he will have a big free soul.

I guess if he is not dirty that’s okay, but that would be a plus.